Marriage Is Not About Me

Greg

Today is mine and Kari's marriage anniversary.  God says that marriage is good, and that the man that finds a wife is blessed (Psalms 128), and that women should be married and bear children (1 Timothy 5:14).  The world undermines God’s design for marriage. This opposition is significant because the marriage relationship, in many ways, parallels the relationship that we should have with the Lord.

Life can be hard. A man and a woman coming together in marriage, with Christ as their Master, can only strengthen them and protect them.  A man needs a woman, just as a woman needs a man.  That’s how God intended it.  My wife and I were 20 and 22 when we were married.  We met and three days later I asked her to marry me (no one could accuse me of being a procrastinator!).  Her father gave his blessing, and we were married just a month and a half later.  We had a lot to learn about life, marriage, and each other (and we're still learning), but we have now been married for twenty-two years and we have twelve children. 

Marriage is good, but in real life, it is not a fairy tale.  In the ideal marriage, the husband and wife walk together in obedience to Christ and they humbly correct themselves when they are wrong.  As Christians, we are told that we can expect persecution as we follow Christ.  We can count on this including satanic opposition against the marriage relationship. That is why we must guard our hearts, be aware of the temptations of the flesh, and love one another by seeking the well-being of our spouse - remembering that marriage is not about "me." 

Marriage requires us to be forgiving, patient, kind, selfless, submissive, and loving.  Love is not a sentimental emotion; it is seeking the highest well-being of another. This is why we are told to love even our enemies. We are not commanded to have sentimental emotions for our enemies, we are told to seek their well-being if it is possible.  A husband and wife should pursue Christ together and love each other with all their strength. 

I think we should constantly remind ourselves of something that I heard once.  It is not my job to make my wife happy, and it is not her job to make me happy (though there are certainly happy times in marriage).  My duty is to deny myself and help my wife seek and follow the Lord, just as her duty is to deny herself and help me seek and follow the Lord.  If I look at my spouse as if she should be striving to make me happy, both of us are going to be disappointed, because sometimes she won’t, and sometimes I will be hard to please.  Marriage is not about me (though it provides me with blessings) – it’s about Christ, and my spouse (and by extension my children).  The goal for marriage is not me getting what I want but us helping each other to “perfect holiness in the fear of God.”  What a difference that makes.  When I remember this, I am not worried about the wrongs (falsely perceived or otherwise) that my wife commits against me, I am concerned with helping her to draw close to God and to be at peace with him.  A husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church.  I am to deny myself for her well-being, forgive her sins when she confesses, protect and provide for her, and help her be the kind of woman that God wants her to be.  She is to deny herself for my well-being, forgive me when I confess, support and submit to me, and help me be the kind of man that God wants me to be.
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No, marriage is not a fairy tale, but what makes it worth it all is it involves a man and a woman that are committed to the Lord, to each other, to their family, and they fight with each other and for each other through life’s battles.  In doing so they form a bond that surpasses understanding.